LIFE: Funny Things About Airline Safety Videos

I love my visits to The Villages, FL!!!  If you've never been there, you ought to go at some point.  The Villages is a retirement area about an hour north of Orlando, FL.  You think "retirement," your mind does not go to "super active!"  But these people are VERY active!!!  More so than most teenagers these days!  My Dad, Ron Pledger, is a Pastor there and his church people are among the finest people anywhere.  I love them and love being with them.

This last week, I flew down to The Villages, not for a fun trip, but to be with my Mom, Linda, as she underwent a heart cath.  The news was great following the cath, thank you for asking.  :-)  She will do some minor treatments, and with diet and exercise, all should be well.  I flew Delta Airlines and had a wonderful experience on the airline.  They took great care of me and my fellow passengers.  But the safety videos they use contain information that just isn't practical.  Let me explain.

First of all, as the video started, it got about a minute or so into it, just past the part explaining the wonder of the fine aircraft we are about to embark our journey aboard, when the video goes BLACK!  Gone.  Nothing.  Nada.  Ka-put.  The captain comes on the speaker, "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the interruption of the video, but engine #2 has had a power fluctuation and it killed the video feed.  It will resume momentarily."  I'm sorry, but the VIDEO is NOT what I'm concerned about at the moment!!!!  Can we just make sure ol' trusty #2 there doesn't fluctuate anymore?!?  ESPECIALLY after takeoff!!!  I'm happy that you want to tell me how to fasten my already fastened seat belt, but can you just concentrate on keeping the engine going, maybe?!?  Call me crazy, but THAT seems a WHOLE lot more important than me knowing how to "lift and release!"

Well sure enough, in just a moment or two, ol' #2 started again and the video picked up where it left off.  After the seat belt demonstration came the "little yellow cup."  I know.  We've all seen it many times if we've flown.  "In the unexpected loss of cabin pressure, a cup will drop down from the compartment above you releasing an oxygen mask.  Pull on the tube to start the flow of oxygen.  Place the mask over your nose and mouth.  Extend the elastic band around your head, adjusting the tightness by pulling the straps on the side, and BREATHE NORMALLY.  Know that oxygen is flowing even if the bag doesn't inflate."  Excuse me, but if we lose cabin pressure, there's going to be things flying around all over the cabin, the plane will tilt downward in a nose dive while the captain tries to get us all at an altitude where we can breathe oxygen, people will be screaming, and you're wanting me to put a little yellow cup over my face, go to my happy place, and breathe normally?!?  NOT GONNA HAPPEN, LADY!!!!  First, that thing will probably be swinging all over the place in that nose dive and air swirling that I'll probably never even catch it!  Second, if I do get lucky enough to grab the thing, I'll probably go to pull the tube to start the air and pull so hard with the adrenaline that will be pumping that I'll yank the thing right out of the ceiling.  If I'm fortunate enough to complete steps one and two, I will not be worried about an inflated bag!  I will be scrambling for the little paper bag in front of me to put over my mouth and do some "inflating" of my own since I would have left my stomach somewhere up around 30,000 feet or so!  And if I do ALL of that and I actually get to the point where I CAN breathe, there will be nothing NORMAL about it!!!

Then finally in the video, we reach the part about the floatation devices.  You know, in case of a water landing.  "In the event of a water landing," (let's just stop right there.  I saw no boat parts on this plane outside.  No big skis like on them water planes you see in Alaska.  We shouldn't be in the water!), "this aircraft is equipped with floatation devices for your safety.  In the economy cabin, they are located under your seats.  In the executive cabin, they are either under your seat, between your seats, or in the armrest of your seat."  I'm thinking, "WHEW!  Glad I'm in the economy cabin!!!  I'd die just trying to FIND my floatation device!"  No wonder the statistics say that doctors, lawyers, investors, and the like all have stressful jobs.  It's because they know that they're the only ones who can afford to fly first class and nobody is telling them where the floatation devices are!!!  It's a rough life being rich!!!  I can see their tombstone now...  "Thanks to the video, they knew how to use it, they just couldn't find it!"  :-)

I'm outta here!